Ruth Institute Blog

I previously posted about the “Statement of Principles” that is making news around the Orthodox Jewish community.  In his blog, Rabbi Pruzansky makes some excellent points in response to the statement.

His first point is to show that insensitivity is a sin.  But it is not a sin whose effects are limited to one group of victims.

Sensitivity is unarguably a fundamental Jewish trait. It is not merely an aspiration but a definition: “Whoever is compassionate towards others, it is obvious that he is a descendant of Avraham; whoever is not compassionate towards others, it is obvious that he is not a descendant of Avraham” (Talmud Masechet Betza 32b). Thus, the recent Statement of Principles on relating to homosexuals is clearly intended in that vein. However, the Statement itself, and some reaction to my own published thoughts on the subject, reminded me that while sensitivity is a cardinal Jewish value, it is one of many values that mold the Jewish personality.

Much has been made – and rightfully so – about the personal abuse heaped on homosexual oriented youth and adults. It should be rightfully condemned and eradicated as much as is humanly possible. “As much as is human possible” is a necessary qualifier, because, although we may strive for perfection, we rarely attain it, and the existence of human imperfections should not surprise or be unduly lamented. “Bullying” is, of course, wrong, as is mockery, verbal abuse, put downs, etc., and the victims are right to complain and be aggrieved. But perspective is helpful; homosexuals are not the only victims of such unfair treatment. As I recall from my own school days – before the invasion of the therapists, psychologists, and do-gooders, and when insults that went too far were settled – literally – in the school yard that itself bred a certain toughness and realism about life and the world – numerous groups (likely everyone, at one time or another) were tormented.

Here’s a brief list from my own experience of groups who were harassed: children of low intelligence or high intelligence, children who were not athletic, children who were too athletic (derided as “jocks”), boys who acted like sissies and girls who acted like tomboys, children who were obese or rail thin, people who suffered from a physical disability or were developmentally disabled, people who had a prominent physical characteristic (too short, too tall, big nose, no chin, one eyebrow, bearded at age nine, slack jaw), girls who were unattractive or too attractive (and therefore assumed to be dim-witted), immigrants, poor children, the poorly dressed and the too-spiffily dressed (the dandy), the fatherless and the motherless, the kid who brought his lunch from home in a metal box, the teacher’s pet, fans of non-local sports teams, and many others. [Yes, I attended one, tough school. If that weren’t enough, non-Jews would assault us on the way home.]

Many people in every strata of society still suffer from this sorry expression of a blatant lack of midot tovot (virtuous traits) on the part of insensitive people. Thus, the Torah mandates sensitive treatment for the poor, the widow and the orphan, to which we can properly add the divorcee, the single, the childless, the infertile, the unemployed, etc.  Add to this list, today, the officially protected groups in our world, based on innate characteristics like race or skin color, ethnic background, religion and creed, and women, and now a class defined by private behavior that also seeks these protections, those attracted to same-sex relationships. We can literally walk on eggshells among our fellow humans, and it is undoubtedly prudent not to say anything that might offend a card-carrying member of one of the protected classes; that is to say, it is best to say nothing at all, ever.

Rabbi Pruzansky hits on a big problem with the Statement.

In its casual but sincere call for the acceptance of such children – under the guise of sensitivity to children, which should be beyond question – the Statement fails to consider that not every Jew will merit posterity, either because of nature or choice. “For so says Hashem to the barren ones who observe My Sabbaths and choose what I desire (italics added) and grasp My covenant tightly. In My house and My walls I shall give them a place and a renown (Yad vashem), better than sons and daughters; eternal renown I shall give them, never to be cut down” (Yeshayahu 56:4-5). There are ways to serve G-d and contribute to Jewish life for those who cannot – or will not – have children.

It is sad, and their struggles – like all of us who struggle with transgressions that sever our connection to G-d, family, loved ones and community – are heartrending, and part of the human condition.  But the Torah cannot be updated to conform to the zeitgeist on grounds of sensitivity, nor can we gerrymander the boundaries of Mitzvot in order to carve out an exemption for one class of sinner or another. We should be kind and decent to all people, including those in the schoolyard of my youth, and sensitive as well to the eternal nature of Torah that has been entrusted to us as the divine light that illuminates our every thought and move and by whose standard (and only that standard) we judge what is right and wrong. Those who choose to follow their desires, and not what G-d desires for them, deserve no special consideration – and certainly not (as mentioned before) when modesty dictates that what is private should remain private.

Rabbi Pruzansky takes issue with the statement’s discouragement of “Reparative Therapy.”

For that reason alone, the Statement’s clear disdain for therapies that might ameliorate this condition is itself problematic. How can there be a “religious right” not to avail oneself of a therapy that might re-channel the person’s desires from the illicit to the licit, and potentially enable him/her to lead a normal and traditional lifestyle ?

In this, I disagree with him a bit.  I’m somewhat skeptical of the efficacy of current techniques of “gay reparative therapy” to transform same-sex attraction into opposite sex attraction.  That said, I have my doubts as to whether “reparative therapy” is what is needed for a person with a homosexual inclination to live in accordance with Jewish Law.

I believe that people need to be aware of such psychological phenomena as The Hedonic Treadmill, the Focusing Illusion, the Paradox of Choice, etc.  People also need to be aware of the fact that the human animal is insatiable in its desires for pleasures and honors of all sorts.  The Midrash says “אין אדם מת וחצי תאוותו בידו”  Which means “There is no man who dies having attained half of his desires (Literally “with half of his desires in hand”).

Furthermore, people must become aware of the limited ability of a good sex life to produce true happiness (as well as a corresponding realization that a lousy sex life can still be compatible with happiness).  The Talmud (Sanhedrin 75a)  acknowledges this.  There it says as follows:  “Rabbi Yitzchak says, “From the day the Holy Temple was destroyed, the pleasure of marital relations (literally the “taste of intercourse”) was taken away and given only to sinners.  As it is said ‘stolen waters are sweet and the bread of secrecy is pleasant.’”  In saying this, the Talmud does not despair of human beings who are not sinners achieving happiness.  Quite the contrary.  But it is clear that the Talmud believes that such happiness is quite possible without the “taste” of marital relations.

It also seems to me that individuals are best served by cultivating a stoic, unsentimental and insensitive attitude as a further prerequisite for happiness.

The awareness of all of the above will at least set up the intellectual framework necessary to endure many of the challenges that a same-sex-attracted person would have if he attempted to live a life in accordance with Jewish Law.  Not only that, but this awareness will also help ordinary people with the challenges that they face in both their marriages and the rest of their lives.

Furthermore, should a person in that situation succeed, he would have ( in addition to a wife, children, and eventually grandchildren) great reason to be proud of his accomplishment.  Such justified pride is itself a source of happiness.

I would further guess that numerous same sex attracted individuals in the past were able to marry and live according to Jewish Law, seeing as how, in, say, 1486 society was quite free of many of the bad ideas that are considered “common sense” these days.

For an individual with same-sex attraction to get married is risk.  How much more risky such a marriage would be than an ordinary marriage, I cannot say. I would imagine that there are some same-sex-attracted people who could get married and some who could not.  Even with the knowledge of the above, one must keep in mind the following thought from one of our great modern day philosophers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VrFV5r8cs0

I will leave you with the wise words of Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky from the following video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuO977NfZZ4&playnext=1&videos=W7KbGwGVWWQ&feature=sub

Self Esteem is tied in to a sense of responsibility.  The more we are aware of our strengths and abilities the greater we have an obligation to fulfil them.  The great Rabbi Yisrael of Salant said, “I know that my mind is equal to a thousand other minds, but, therefore, my obligations are a thousand times as great.”  It’s interesting that there are some people who actually don’t want to realize their owns strengths because it puts the obligation and burden upon them to perform.  Some people would rather wallow in inferiority because it’s an excuse as to why they’re not exerting themselves and why they’re not performing.