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The laundry gods are smiling upon me

October 24th, 2014 No comments

Perhaps they’re just pleased that I’m finally washing all those clothes.

Here’s my laundry method. There’s a reason I’m spelling it out for you. Wait for iiiiiiiittttt!

1. Procrastinate until laundry basket is full to overflowing.

2. Pick up scattered articles of clothing that have fallen off the laundry heap and shove them back in the basket. Read more…

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This is how we solve problems in our household

October 18th, 2014 Comments off

Observe:

“MOMMY! Paul won’t give me the big sticker!”

“Well, John, why don’t you suggest a solution? Maybe find out why he’s saving the big sticker, or maybe see if there’s another sticker he *would* give you, or maybe trade two of your little stickers for his big sticker. Could you try to work something out?”

“Ok…I will…
…PAUL!!! MOMMY SAYS YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THE BIG STICKER!”

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Dad is Fat

October 10th, 2014 Comments off

This is the title of a book I’m reading by comedian Jim Gaffigan. It’s pretty funny. I recommend it for all you parents out there. Lots to relate to. For me it’s him talking about how pale he and his children are. I totally get that. He even graced his book with a picture of himself in his swim shirt. I get that too.

My four-year-old has a full-body swimsuit. It’s actually called a rash guard–what surfers wear to avoid getting a rash from contact with their board. Why they make these in size 4 I’ll never understand. I can’t exactly picture my little girl hanging 10. Read more…

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Alas, poor butterfly. I knew him well.

October 4th, 2014 Comments off

From parentingisfunny.wordpress.com

It was my fault, really. I spotted the butterfly just standing there on our back patio. I called the girls over to see it. They came on tiptoes. Then they sat in awe and spoke in hushed tones, not wishing to disturb it or scare it away.

Attempts to get them to eat breakfast were thwarted by the mystique of the orange, black, and white. Soon sketch pads came out and whole pages were being devoted to the majesty of the monarch. Read more…

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If only it were that easy kid, believe me

September 26th, 2014 Comments off

My five-year-old, L, was yelling at the two-year-old, E, to move out of the way of the tv. She couldn’t see the last moments of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Snow White

If that guy’s your prince, I would have kept waiting, honey. Is that a shirt or an apron?

I employed the appropriate motherly tool of yelling from the kitchen, “E, down in front!” Somehow, that didn’t work, as L was continuing her verbal tirade against the door who would make a better window. Finally, I walked into the living room, only to see the words, “The End” on the screen.

“Relax, L. The movie’s over,” I said and walked out again. Yep, parenting at its finest, folks.

L, on the other hand, came up with a brilliant solution for avoiding future such egregious situations involving her little sister. 

“Mom,” she called to me. “E’s birthday shouldn’t be in March. We should move it closer so she’ll be older and listen better.”

Don’t I wish that were possible sometimes!

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I got this one, Dad

September 18th, 2014 Comments off

Our two-year-old would not stop dropping food on the floor at meal times. Whether she did it because she found that particular piece inedible, or because she enjoyed studying the spatial relation of the food on her tray versus the pile on the carpet below her, the habit seemed unbreakable. Our best effort at correction was to sternly say, “No,” and lightly rap the back of her hand.

This method maintained its desired effect for about five minutes, when our daughter, used to this routine and seemingly impervious to pain, decided to continue her scientific experiment. Just as was my husband was donning his authoritative expression, the perpetrator, sensing what was to come, firmly stated, Read more…

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We don’t talk to friends in this house

September 12th, 2014 Comments off

Seeing that a friend had a “No Soliciting” sign on her door, I decided to get one of my own, as I get knocks far too frequently for my liking. I am almost never presentable, (See “Mommy goes out on the town, before and after“) which makes these regrettable encounters all the worse, for the other person.

So even though I had the sign, it wasn’t yet up in the window of the door when some gentleman, probably from a solar panel company who was “doing work on others houses in my neighborhood,” as they always somehow seem to be, showed up.

Before I even let him speak I said, Read more…

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They know us too well

September 6th, 2014 Comments off

I had the misfortune of walking into the kitchen just in time to hear my three-year-old son explaining to his father, “That’s not the refrigerator; that’s the door for snacks for Mommy.”

-Kimberly, mother 2

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Another reason I love my husband

August 29th, 2014 Comments off

(As if I need more reasons.) I wanted him to get the kids ready for bed because I was wrapping presents for our daughter’s birthday the next day. I said to him, “Could you please get the kids ready for bed? I’m taking care of some business…involving Tupac.”

“Gotcha.”

He automatically knew what I was talking about. (Tupac = rapper = wrapping)

That’s how cool we are.

And also, we tuck our legs up and wrap our arms around them.

Because that’s how we roll.

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Somebody call the contractor!

August 22nd, 2014 Comments off

I decided to rearrange some furniture the other day, and did so without my husband, hoping to surprise him. Things went well until I realized I would indeed have to give him a heads up. This was our instant message exchange:

me: I may or may not have taken a door off its hinges and then gotten a desk stuck in a doorway. I’ll let you decide when you get home.

him: ?? seriously? better not be the front door. Read more…

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