Reflections on my trip to Macy’s
Yesterday my husband and I took our three children, ages 5, 2.5, and 3 months, with us to Macy’s to find a wedding gift for my husband’s sister. A helpful clerk, an older woman named Marjorie, spotted me looking around for a place to print a registry and immediately jumped to my aid. She walked me to the computer, gave me a helpful tip for pulling out the pages correctly, and took the time to explain a few things on the printed sheets before setting me loose to first relocate my family. I had walked off leaving my husband holding the bag–the diaper bag that is, as well as keeping tabs on our two free birds and the baby safely trapped in her car seat he had set on the floor. Not surprisingly, he had everything under control, so I simply stood near him as I perused his sister’s registry.
Within thirty seconds the saleswoman was back at my side presumably because she “had to see the baby.” After a quick statement of the obvious: she was the cutest baby ever, she turned back to me and my list. (It was a slow day in the Macy’s home department.) I explained to Marjorie that my husband would be taking our purchases with him in a suitcase; therefore, the giant comforter was out, as well as the fine china, wine glasses and cutlery. She absconded with my list and swept me away to the Martha Stewart collection. Along the way she commented on what a nice, helpful husband I have, conspiratorially adding in a hushed tone, “Most men aren’t very helpful with the kids.”
“Yes, thank you. He is very helpful,” I replied.
Soon, with little to no work on my part, I was loaded with dish towels, measuring cups and spoons, a rubber spatula, some prep bowls, … basically everything in the section except the meat tenderizer. After retrieving my wallet from the diaper bag, still under guard by my husband who by now was admiring the waffle irons, she again noted, “What a nice helpful man!”
“Yes, he is,” I said again.
As we made our fond farewells with Marjorie, I relayed to Paul what she had said about him. “That was nice,” he said, “but also rather sad that doing something that should be normal was seen by her as extraordinary.”
So true.
You see a man holding a baby and you want to pin a medal on him. If he’s changing a diaper you throw a parade in his honor. That says something about supposed gender equality as well as the general state of father involvement.
Like my husband said, “How sad.”
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It is sad. Society should encourage men to be more helpful and considerate, especially if these men enter into a committed relationship or into/start a family. Sadly, these behaviors are not popularized in mainstream culture, and when present are seen as being “unmanly” or that the man in question is “whipped”.
Men can do better! Responsibility is sexy dangit!
Might I also add: If a man is watching/tending to his own children, it is NOT baby-sitting! “Oh, is Ed baby-sitting?” “Uh, no. He’s being a dad.”
Right on, Betsy! But you know, it is gender stereotypes that cause false assumptions about men and their responsibilities for children. Some men are excellent caregivers of children, and are very nurturing in a traditionally “feminine” way. It’s just sad that the ideology still exists that it is somehow not masculine to love and care for children. I think too that there is the pedophilia fear regarding men and children in terms of men who are interested in and enjoy being with children. Some people would think that a man who chose a career in child care and development, for example, had something wrong with him. How sad that we still carry these limiting ideas about gender! Men can be just as competent, nurturing and responsive to children as women can be, if they throw away those societal messages that tell them that it is a woman’s job to do those things, or that women are biologically better suited for those tasks. That’s just a bunch of baloney.
I’d like to add to Heidi’s post about gender stereotypes–I think the ones about men not nurturing or caring for children have arisen relatively recently. The institution of marriage was designed to attach fathers and mothers to their children so both men and women can love, nurture, and provide for the children they have. Historically, when men had children, they were expected to be around to care for them, to love them, and to teach them by example. They were also expected to love and be faithful to their wives (and this was expected in return).
I think of the example of the prodigal son, whose father’s love for both of his sons is described in detail, which was already an established concept when Jesus used it in his parable two thousand years ago.