Parents need to ask the hard questions
Good stuff to keep in mind for parents of teenagers. Heidi (one of our blog followers) being one, what do you think?
by Katie Hinderer
Last week’s post about attire and the male versus female mind has drawn a lot of comments. (I love hearing what you have to say, so keep the thoughts coming.) All the discussion got me thinking about where the solution can be found. I was toying with the role parents’ play when Carlos hit the nail on the head; saying girls “need strong fathers to say NO and strong mothers to explain why!!”
While the fault cannot entirely rest on the parents I do find that a large amount of the trouble teens and young adults get into, especially in the areas of attire and sexual relations, could be repaired or avoided if the parents played a larger role in the discussion.
Today it is not enough to have a single ‘sex’ talk with a young girl (or boy for that matter). It isn’t enough to tell them once what is appropriate to wear and what isn’t. They need more. Teens are hearing, seeing and reading about this from the time they are young. They see advertisements that objectify women. They listen to suggestive music and learn how to dance from the accompanying music videos. Even literature is filled with scenes that normalize teenage drinking, drugs and sex.
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Kids (especially teenagers) need clear expectations and consequences when those expectations are not met, open communication, and constant parental reminders of what is and is not appropriate. I don’t agree, of course, with the idea that a child must hear one thing from a father and another from a mother. I began early with my daughter, questioning the cultural messages about femininity and sexuality that were being sent to her from media, from peers, etc. When she was younger, I actually monitored the messages she received, and made age-appropriate decisions about what she would and would not be exposed to. As she grew, I continued to challenge the messages and ideas presented to her, and made sure she knew that her worth as a human being didn’t have anything to do with what she looked like or how pleasing she was to the opposite sex. I taught her to think critically about the world in which she lived, in the assumptions people made about gender roles, and in the opportunities available to young women or the choices made by them.
As for clothing, I give her enough freedom to express herself and “rebel” as every teenager wants to, but I also make sure that every piece of clothing she wears on her body passes the mom test. This means she tries everything on before we buy it, and it means that I make her change if she is not dressed appropriately. My daughter has a sense of her own talents and opportunities, and she is not afraid to stand up for her beliefs and behaviors that are different from the crowd. I think I’ve done a pretty darn good job. Of course, no parent is perfect and I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes. But I have raised a mostly respectful and well-behaved daughter who doesn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, and is not having sex. How do I know this, you ask? Because there is never a time that I do not know where my daughter is and who she is with. I call parents. I get to know her friends. I open my house to her and her friends when they want to hang out together. I smell her breath when she gets home (in a very discreet manner). And most of all, I don’t put anything past her, because I remember what it was like to be a teenager! Lol. It’s a precarious balance of rules, communication and expectations coupled with small measures of freedom and trust. She just turned 17 and it has worked really well so far! I am truly blessed to have such a great kid with a good head on her shoulders who makes healthy choices and acts as a role model for her peers.
Hey, a post I can agree with. Woot!
I like that. “Need strong fathers to say NO and strong mothers to explain why!!”
I’ll just add my wife can say NO as well as anyone with a Y chromosome, and I’m quite good at explaining why once she’s gotten their attention…