No Nonsense Advice on Avoiding Date Rape
A monumental amount of nonsense has been written and distributed on college campuses on the subject of rape. I am going to link below a site containing the best advice I have ever seen on crime prevention. If you’re a young woman in college, or you know a young woman who is in college, this advice is well worth taking seriously.
Before I continue, I must add that one of the most unpleasant aspects of writing about topics such as this one is that the knee jerk reaction of some people upon hearing this type of advice is that it constitutes “blaming the victim.” Such accusations miss the point. One has to admit that there are certain behaviors make rape likelier than others. On one side of the spectrum we have behaviors that make rape almost impossible (living alone in a hidden and armored bunker comes to mind). Other behaviors make rape almost a certainty (walking unprotected and provocatively clad into a prison yard full of violent sex offenders comes to mind).
Most behavior, obviously, falls between these two ludicrous extremes. The advice given here aims to make readers aware of the people and behaviors that can lead to being victimized without the reader having to resort to soul deadening paranoia. And while we would not say that a woman who behaves as irresponsibly as in the second example above “had it coming,” we would counsel against it or any behavior that can lead to being victimized in any way.
So, without further ado, I present to you the website No Nonsense Self Defense.
Marc MacYoung, the author of the site, discusses both stranger rape (the more rare of the two) and date/acquaintance rape (the more common). To prevent stranger rape, MacYoung recommends to the reader the same types of behaviors that prevent robbery.
To prevent date rape, the advice gets more complicated. But to put it into a nutshell, he recommends avoiding the types of people who are likeliest to commit date rape, and avoiding the irresponsible attitudes and behaviors that are likeliest to lead to rape. It is also worth mentioning that the types of men who are most likely to commit date rape are also the most likely to commit domestic violence (another topic about which much nonsense has been written).
Although the website deals with self defense, little of the advice about rape has to do with hand to hand fighting tactics. What advice he does give is to emphasize that the point of fighting in that situation is to get away. Hurting the assailant may be necessary but it is secondary.
The more essential point is that if somebody has to engage in violence to avoid being raped, chances are that she has made some mistakes that got her into that position. While we make no judgments about a person in that situation, we must comment that it is best to avoid that situation at all costs. MacYoung’s advice is all about avoiding that situation without having to resort to paranoia.
MacYoung also comments on the slogan that I heard often in college: “All men are potential rapists.” That life draining advice is misleading. It is a terrible way to think about half of humanity. The facts about what kind of individual is most likely to commit rape and what situations will most likely result in rape offers both peace of mind and freedom to all who take the time to learn them.
I did not quote anything from the article on No Nonsense Self Defense. I only gave the barest outline of MacYoung’s advice. There’s a lot to read over there as the issue is complex. Take the time to read it. Reflect on it while you are in a calm and safe place, and consider how much of his perspective makes sense to you.
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http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
As a female, I do truly appreciate advice on not getting raped. I believe that (most) people are inherently good and have only the best intentions when they give advice on such. Some are better at it then others, some well, truly just victim blame. That said, I would truly appreciate it if we could focus a little more attention on getting guys to stop raping. Because that is the real problem, and all the rape-avoidance advice in the world can’t actually stop rape. It’s a well intentioned band-aid on a sucking chest wound.
1 in 12 male students surveyed had committed acts that met the legal definition of rape or attempted rape. (Warshaw, Robin 1994 “I Never Called It Rape”)
Nerdygirl:
You wrote: “I would truly appreciate it if we could focus a little more attention on getting guys to stop raping. Because that is the real problem, and all the rape-avoidance advice in the world can’t actually stop rape. It’s a well intentioned band-aid on a sucking chest wound.”
How exactly do you propose to do that?
And, whatever your proposition, which do you really think will have the greatest return on investment? Mr. MacYoung’s suggestions or your own?
A well intentioned band-aid? I suppose any advice on crime avoidance is a “well intentioned band aid” until we finally, FINALLY solve that age old problem of human evil.
All I’m saying is rape avoidance advice, as given does not actually stop men from raping. It lowers the chances of a woman being raped, which is very useful and very good, but it doesn’t actually curtail rapists. You don’t have to be snarky about this subject. The study I quoted also contained the snippet that 84% of those men who committed rape, didn’t think of it as rape. We have a culture that dismisses rape if a female is dressed provocatively, drinking, or even dating her rapist. And while the article addresses some of that, the fact is that no ones clothing, alcohol intake or relationship with another makes sex consensual. Only the individual can consent.
Some people will respond better to religion, some will respond better to general ethics, some peoples morality is fear driven, some better communication and understanding of what consent is, and some are just horrible people who can’t or won’t change. I think it’s safe to say that men and boys need to be taught more then just no means no.
Nerdygirl,
I literally cannot believe you are making these kinds of comments. You cannot change human nature any more than you can hold back the tides. Would it be wonderful if men would stop raping? Yes. It would also be wonderful if human beings would stop stealing, killing, drug dealing, committing arson, starting wars, etc.
Is there a way to get people to stop doing those things? No. Human nature is what it is. We need to recognize human nature for what it is. People have been trying to create a new and better human being since the French Revolution. And what has the result been? Disaster. Every time it’s tried.
The only thing we can do is to take measures to protect ourselves. If you want to take Mr. MacYoung’s advice on how to protect yourself, I commend you for that. If you do not want to take his advice, that’s fine too. But I did take the time to notify you of its existence. It has been offered to you. That’s all I can do.
Sorry, I meant would it be wonderful if MEN would stop raping. The resulting typo is about as bad as any I’ve made…
Yeah, it kinda came across as a freudian slip. Good catch. Human nature doesn’t exactly allow for society or marriage either, but somehow society’s been creeping along, as has marriage (albeit both are in a constant state of flux, like humans) So, then what is the difference in encouraging traditional marriage amongst people and encouraging men not to rape the passed out girl on the couch? For that matter, do responsible parents just let their kids run wild, as is their nature, or do they guide and discipline them?
Nerdygirl,
As usual, I agree with you. I believe that we CAN do things, including education, to make rape less likely, and that it includes teaching girls and women how to avoid it, AND teaching boys and men what consent really means and what rape actually is. But I am of the school that believes that “human nature” IS alterable, especially when the society in which it functions does not subscribe to a “boys will be boys” attitude, i.e., the promotion of gender stereotypes and excuses for bad behavior. While the phenomenon of rape may be cross-cultural, there are certainly cultures in which it is prevalent and others in which it is relatively rare. Hmmm…wonder what the differences in those cultures are with respect to the gendered messaging that boys and girls receive?
But, like many things, it’s easier to focus on making the victim responsible than it is to look at, and address the root causes of the problem.
Nerdygirl,
What do you mean that “human beings are in a constant state of flux”? What evidence do you have for that proposition?
Heidi,
Evil people are evil people. Evil people don’t care about consent. They don’t care about your rights. They don’t care about any of that. Did you even READ MacYoung’s profile of a potential rapist? Do you think a man like that would care about any of your teachings?
Yes, it’s easier to focus on having the victim take responsibility for themselves. It’s easier, because it’s POSSIBLE. It is, at this time, impossible to change a bad person into a harmless person except with a lobotomy or a bullet.
Trust me. I’ve met too many criminals to be persuaded by your idealism.
The comparison to traditional marriage is absurd. Traditional marriage does not exist for its own sake. It exists to connect men and women to one another for purposes of reproduction and to connect the two of them to their offspring. Watch Sixteen and Pregnant. See how hard it is for the girls to get the boys involved with the babies. With no societal pressure to back their wishes up, there is little to be done either for the baby or for the girl. I have a small baby right now. Trust me when I say it really stinks to have one around. Societal expectations keep men around. Period. so, the need created marriage, not the other way around. Nice try though, Nerdygirl.
But, human nature is unchangeable in your definition. If human nature is unchangeable, then how did society and marriage come to be? If society can force men to be responsible fathers, then why can’t it force men to not rape?
Hmm, well, if society is a reflection of it’s population, then history has shown us the vast changes people have made over time. And within a lifetime, a person can change whole religions and ideologies, so while “constant” might be a bit overdone, it’s safe to say that change is part of being a human. Now then, habits are hard to break. Change may be part of being human (and growing up) but it’s not easy. So the idea is not to rehabilitate rapists or other criminals, because that is rare, the idea is to PREVENT them from raping and committing crimes. If 84% of that 1 in 12 statistic wouldn’t call it rape, it’s possible that better definitions and communication about what is rape could have prevented at least some of those rapes, and subsequent rapes.
Ari,
I’m willing to bet that it’s not as simple as good vs. evil. I’m willing to bet that sometimes, otherwise good people do bad things and that things like date rape are far more nuanced than you suggest. And I’m willing to bet that a lot of it has to do with the way that we raise boys in our culture and their feelings of entitlement when it comes to access to women’s bodies. Oh, and I WAS sixteen and pregnant. I had no difficulty in getting my daughter’s father to be involved with his baby because he was raised by a single mom who taught him how to properly treat women and children, and because his father abandoned him as a young child and he made a conscious decision to be a better father. We never married and actually split up as a couple when our daughter was 8. And yet, we managed to successfully co-parent our daughter into the amazing young woman that she is today, healthy, happy, drug and alcohol-free, on the honor roll, and overall an intelligent, compassionate and beautiful young woman. The statistics say that as the child of a teen mother, she is more likely to have no father involvement (not true in her case), more likely to be a teen mother herself (not true in her case), do poorly in school (not true in her case), have behavioral problems (not true in her case), suffer from anxiety and depression (not true in her case), abuse drugs and alcohol (not true in her case), and live in poverty (not true in her case). Hmmmm…what made my daughter turn out so differently than the statistics say she should have? Parents who loved, nurtured and supported her, and who worked very hard to make sure that we still treated one another with respect as the other parent of our daughter even if we couldn’t be together successfully. Imagine that. Marriage was not the silver bullet; being adults and good parents was.
Societal expectations are not what kept my daughter’s father around. His love for her is what did. What a really poor view of men; that they only stick around if they are married to the mother of their children. Only if they are jerks, I suppose. So glad my daughter’s father didn’t have to be trapped into an unhappy marriage to do the right thing by his daughter.
I think there is truth on both sides here.
I think that human nature, at base, is “unchangeable, or “built into” us. People will always have an innate tendency to be self-centered. For most people, this is not expressed in criminal actions (rape, murder, arson, etc.),but in our everyday interactions with those around us. I could see this in my children when they were small; I see it in myself daily.
Where I DO think change is possible is in our behavior. And here is where various societies, or religions, can have a great influence. “Is it socially acceptable to _______________?” You can fill in that blank in many ways: “rape?” “have unmarried sex?” “dump your pregnant girlfriend and the impending baby?” “slap your wife around?” “smoke cigarettes?” “smoke marijuana?” “shoot heroin?”
The answers to those questions have changed over time, some for the better, some for the worse. And while some people will choose to do the right thing merely because it is right, many others need the support of society’s rules to do good and avoid wrong. Indeed, many people need society’s rules to tell them what IS right and wrong.
So, yes, I think that what we teach our boys about women and interpersonal relationships can have a large influence on the incidence of rape. (There will always be criminals and sociopaths; I’m talking here about the vast majority of average guys.) I also think that our society’s current “liberal” view of sex, pornography, etc, does NOT help lower the likelihood that men will view women as willing and available objects for their sexual pleasure.
I think we can all agree that society has a messed up view of sex and pornography. After all, it’s taken for granted by many that all men are always up for sex (worse, if a man isn’t interested in sex, he’s viewed as less manly), that clothing dictates if a female consents, and while I’m not in favor of outlawing pornography, the industry does have many reforms it needs to make, and the stud/slut double standard helps no one. I like to think there is a way of bringing positive change to all of these things, perhaps both empowering the individual to make smarter better choices for them, and encouraging the golden rule, society could change for the better.